Funeral etiquette: what to wear, what to say, what to bring

What to wear

Dark and simple: black, navy, gray or dark brown. A suit or dark pants and a shirt for men, a dress, a skirt or pants with a modest top for women. Nothing flashy, nothing too casual. If you are not sure, look at the obituary. More and more families ask guests to wear the person's favorite color, a sports jersey or something bright for a celebration of life, and then you should follow that.

For a service in a place of worship, cover your shoulders. In a mosque women cover their hair, and in a Sikh gurdwara everyone covers their head. Bring a scarf, just in case.

The visitation, the funeral and the reception

A funeral in the US usually has up to three parts, and the obituary says which ones are open to everyone:

• The visitation, also called the viewing or the wake, usually the evening before the funeral at the funeral home. You can come for fifteen minutes or an hour, sign the guest book, greet the family and leave. The casket may be open.
• The funeral or memorial service, at the funeral home, a church or another place. A memorial service is held without the body present, often after cremation.
• The committal and the reception. The burial at the cemetery is sometimes only for the family. Afterwards there is often a meal or reception, the repast, at a church hall, a restaurant or the family home.

What to say to the family

You do not need a speech. Shake hands or hug, say one sentence, and let the next person come. These are enough:

If they do not know you, say how you knew the person. Families love to hear it. Avoid "I know how you feel," "He's in a better place" and questions about how the person died. More in What to write in a sympathy card.

During the service

• Arrive 10 to 15 minutes early. If you are late, slip in quietly at the back.
• The first rows are for the family. Sit behind them.
• Turn your phone off or to silent before you go in.
• Do not take photos or videos unless the family has asked for them. If the service is livestreamed, the family will share the link.
• Viewing the body is never required. If you go to the casket, a moment of silence or a short prayer is enough.
• If you do not share the faith, stand and sit with everyone else, and simply stay quiet during the prayers.

The procession and the cemetery

If you drive to the cemetery behind the hearse, turn on your headlights, stay close to the car in front, and follow the funeral home's staff. Other drivers are expected to let a funeral procession pass without cutting into it, and in many states that is the law. At the grave, stand back and let the family stand closest.

What to bring or send

• A card with a few personal words. You can bring it to the visitation or mail it.
• Flowers, sent to the funeral home, unless the obituary says in lieu of flowers. Then give to the charity named. See What to write on a funeral flower card.
• Food for the family, brought to the home in the days after the funeral, in containers they do not need to return.
• Help, which is often the best gift: a ride for relatives, an afternoon with the kids, mowing the lawn.

Children at funerals

Children can go to a funeral if they want to, and many are helped by it. Tell them beforehand what they will see, sit near the aisle, and have an adult ready to step out with them. If the family asks that children not attend, respect it. Read more in How to explain death to a child.

Customs of different faiths

• Catholic: a vigil or rosary the evening before, a funeral Mass, and Mass cards as a gift to the family. Non-Catholics do not take communion. See Catholic funeral traditions.
• Jewish: burial within a day or two, usually no flowers and no open casket. Afterwards the family sits shiva at home for up to seven days, and visitors bring food. A common phrase is "May his memory be a blessing."
• Muslim: burial as soon as possible, modest dress, women cover their hair in the mosque, no flowers expected. See Muslim funeral traditions.
• Hindu: cremation, often within a day. Guests wear white or light colors rather than black.
• Orthodox Christian: an open casket and candles held during the service, and memorial services after 40 days and a year. See 40 days after death.

When in doubt, ask the funeral home. They are asked these questions every day.

If you cannot go

Send a card or a message, and call the family in the weeks after, when the visits stop. If the family has a memorial page, you can leave a message or a voice message and light a candle on the day of the funeral. Here is an example.