How to explain death to a child, by age

How to say it

Tell them soon, yourself if you can, in a quiet place, and hold them close. Use simple, true words:

Then stop and let them react. Some children cry, some ask a question, some go back to playing. All of it is normal.

Words to avoid

• "He went to sleep." A child may become afraid to fall asleep, or wait for him to wake up.
• "We lost Grandma." Then why don't we go and find her?
• "She went away" or "on a long trip." The child may feel abandoned, or wait for her to return.
• "God took him because he was so good." A child may fear being good, or fear that God will take them too.

If your family has faith, you can share what you believe, for example that Grandpa is with God. But say first, clearly, that his body has died and that he will not come back.

What children understand at each age

• Under 3: they do not understand death, but they feel the absence and the sadness around them. Keep their routines and give them lots of closeness.
• 3 to 6: they often think death is temporary and ask when the person will come back. They may believe that something they thought or did caused it. Tell them it was not their fault, and answer the same question as many times as they ask.
• 6 to 9: they start to understand that death is final. They may be curious about details of the body and the funeral, and afraid that you will die too. Answer honestly and tell them who takes care of them.
• 9 to 12: they understand death much like adults, but may hide their feelings to protect you. Include them in the plans and tell them it is all right to be sad in front of you.
• Teenagers: they grieve like adults, often with friends rather than with family. Some withdraw, some take risks. Stay close, without pushing.

The funeral

Children can go to a funeral if they want to, and many are helped by saying goodbye. Let them choose, and do not force them either way.

• Tell them beforehand what they will see: the room, the casket or the urn, people crying.
• Give them a small role if they want one: a drawing or a letter for the casket, a flower to place.
• Ask one adult they trust to stay with them, ready to step outside.
• If they do not go, find another way to say goodbye: a visit to the grave later, a candle at home.

The months after

Children grieve in short bursts. They can be sad for ten minutes and then want to play, and that is how they cope. Grief may come back later, at a new age, when they understand more. Keep routines, school and bedtime as normal as possible, and tell the teacher what happened.

Keep the person present: look at photos together, tell stories, cook their recipe, make a memory box with the child. On a page of memories the child can look at the photos and listen to the stories whenever they miss them, and add photos of their own drawings. Here is an example.

When a child needs more help

Talk to your pediatrician, the school counselor or a children's grief program if, after several months, the child:

• is often afraid to be away from you, or cannot sleep alone,
• goes backward, for example wets the bed again or talks like a baby,
• has trouble at school that does not improve,
• withdraws from friends and the things they loved,
• talks about wanting to die or to be with the person who died.

Many communities have free grief support groups for children and families. Ask your hospice, school or pediatrician. And take care of your own grief too. Read How to cope with grief.