How to help a grieving friend: what to say and what to do

What to say

You do not need the perfect words. Short and honest is best.

What not to say

• "I know how you feel." Even if you lost someone too, every loss is different. Say instead: I remember how hard it was when my mom died. I can only imagine how you feel.
• "Everything happens for a reason" and "God needed another angel." They try to explain what cannot be explained.
• "At least..." At least she is not suffering, at least you had him for so long. Every at least makes the loss smaller.
• "You need to be strong." They do not. They need to grieve.
• "Call me if you need anything." Kind, but it leaves the work to them. Offer something specific.

Practical help

Grieving people are exhausted, and small tasks feel impossible. This kind of help is remembered for years:

• Bring a meal in a container they do not need to return, or set up an online meal schedule so friends take turns.
• Do the groceries, pick up prescriptions, walk the dog, mow the lawn.
• Take the kids to school or for an afternoon.
• Pick up relatives at the airport, or host them for a night.
• Help with the phone calls and the paperwork. See What to do when someone dies.
• Stay at the house during the funeral.
• Help with the thank you notes a few weeks later.

After the funeral

In the first week the house is full. Then everyone goes home, and the real loneliness begins. That is when your friend needs you most.

• Put the dates in your calendar: one month, three months, six months, the first holidays, their loved one's birthday and the anniversary. Send a message on those days.
• Keep inviting them, for a walk, a coffee, a movie. They may say no many times. Keep asking.
• Say the name of the person who died. Your friend is not afraid of being reminded. They are afraid that everyone will forget.

Listen more than you talk

You cannot fix grief, and you do not have to. Let your friend tell the same story many times. Let them be angry, or laugh, or say nothing. Silence next to someone is also help. Do not compare their loss with yours, and do not rush them toward feeling better.

When to worry

If, months later, your friend cannot take care of themselves, drinks to get through the day, or talks about not wanting to live, gently encourage them to see a doctor or a counselor, and offer to go with them. If you fear for their safety, call for help right away. Read more in How to cope with grief.

• In the United States and Canada, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, free. In the US you can also text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
• In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans answer on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline answers on 13 11 14.
• Many hospices offer free grief support to families for about a year, and your doctor can refer you to a grief counselor or a support group.
• If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 in the US and Canada, or 112 in Europe.

Remember together

One of the kindest things a friend can do is add to the memories. If the family has a memorial page, light a candle on the hard days, write a memory, or add a photo of their mom or dad that the family may never have seen. Here is an example.