How to cope with grief: what helps and when to ask for help

What grief feels like

Grief is more than sadness. Many people are surprised by how much of it they feel in the body and the mind:

• Feelings: sadness, longing, anger, guilt, fear, numbness, and sometimes relief, especially after a long illness. All of them are normal.
• The body: exhaustion, poor sleep, no appetite or too much, a tight chest, getting sick more often.
• The mind: forgetting things, losing the thread of conversations, reading the same page three times. Some people call it grief brain. It passes.

Grief does not follow stages

You may have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They were first described in people facing their own death, and they were never meant as a schedule. Most people do not go through them in order. Grief comes in waves: a calm week, then a song in the grocery store, and you are back at the beginning. Healthy grief moves back and forth between the loss and daily life, and over time the days of daily life grow longer.

What helps in the first weeks

• Sleep, even badly. Rest when you can.
• Eat something regularly, even small things.
• Go outside every day, even for ten minutes.
• Say yes when people offer help, and tell them exactly what you need.
• Keep a few simple routines: the morning coffee, the evening walk.
• Be careful with alcohol and sleeping pills.
• Put off big decisions, like selling the house or moving, for some months if you can.

What helps in the months after

• Talk about them. Say their name, tell their stories. The people who love you may be afraid to bring them up. Tell them it helps.
• Write. A letter to them, a journal, the things you did not get to say.
• Find people who understand. Many hospices, hospitals and places of worship run free grief support groups, in person and online. There are groups for widows and widowers, for parents, for those who lost someone to suicide.
• Move. A walk, the gym, gardening. The body carries grief, and moving helps it.
• Keep a connection. Many people find comfort in keeping a bond with the person who died: visiting the grave, cooking their recipes, looking at their photos, lighting a candle on their day.
• See a grief counselor if you want someone outside the family to talk to. You do not have to wait until it is unbearable.

The hard days

Birthdays, the anniversary, holidays and family events are often the hardest days, especially in the first year. Plan them in advance: who you will be with, what you will do, how you will remember the person. Some families keep the old traditions, some start new ones, some set a place at the table or light a candle. It is also fine to skip a celebration this year. See Death anniversary messages and ideas.

How long grief lasts

There is no deadline. The sharpest pain usually softens over the first year or two. Grief does not disappear, but it changes: it becomes something you carry, rather than something that carries you. Doctors speak of prolonged grief disorder when, a year or more after the loss, the grief is still so intense every day that a person cannot live their life. It is recognized and it can be treated.

When to ask for help

Talk to your doctor or a counselor if, for weeks:

• you cannot get out of bed, work or take care of yourself or your family,
• you stop eating or sleeping,
• you depend on alcohol or pills to get through the day,
• you feel that life has no meaning without them, or you want to join them.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself, do not wait. Help is there at any hour:

• In the United States and Canada, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, free. In the US you can also text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
• In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans answer on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline answers on 13 11 14.
• Many hospices offer free grief support to families for about a year, and your doctor can refer you to a grief counselor or a support group.
• If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 in the US and Canada, or 112 in Europe.

Their story stays

For many people it helps to gather the memories somewhere: photos, stories, recipes, the messages friends wrote. On a page of memories the whole family adds what they keep, and on the hard days anyone can light a candle and see that others remember too. Here is an example.