40 days after death: what it means and how it is marked

Why forty days

Forty is a number of waiting and change in the Bible: forty days of the flood, forty years in the desert, forty days between Easter and the Ascension. In Orthodox Christian belief, the soul of the person who died spends forty days on its way to God's judgment, and the prayers of the family help it on that way. The fortieth day is therefore marked with a memorial service and a visit to the grave.

The custom is older and wider than one church. Many Muslim families gather on the fortieth day to pray, in Egypt, Turkey, Iran, Central Asia and the Balkans, although it is a cultural custom rather than a religious duty. Filipino families pray for nine days after the death and gather again on the fortieth. For many families it is also the day the deepest mourning ends: black clothes are put away and life slowly returns to its rhythm.

How the day is counted

Usually the day of death counts as day one. If someone died on October 1, the fortieth day is November 9. Families often hold the memorial on the weekend before, so everyone can come. The common rule in Orthodox churches is earlier, but not after the fortieth day. Your priest or imam will confirm the date.

In the Orthodox Church

Greek, Russian, Ukrainian, Serbian, Romanian, Bulgarian, Georgian and Antiochian families mark the 40th day in much the same way:

1. A memorial service after the Sunday liturgy or at the grave: the Mnimosyno for Greeks, the Panikhida for Russians and Ukrainians, the Parastos for Serbs, the Parastas for Romanians. The priest reads the name of the person who died and the choir sings Memory Eternal.
2. Boiled wheat, called kollyva, koljivo, coliva or kutia, is blessed and shared. It stands for resurrection. See the koljivo recipe.
3. At the grave candles are lit and flowers left, and in some traditions wine is poured on the grave.
4. A meal for everyone who came, at home, in the church hall or in a restaurant.

The memorial is repeated at three months in some traditions, at six months and at one year, and then every year. Read more in Serbian funeral traditions and Soul Saturdays.

In Muslim families

Families who keep the custom gather at home or in the mosque on the fortieth day. The Qur'an is recited, prayers are said for the person who died, and food is shared, often with the poor. Bosnian families call this gathering a tevhid, Turkish families a mevlit. See Muslim funeral traditions.

In Filipino families

After the burial, family and friends pray the rosary for nine nights, the pasiyam. On the fortieth day they gather again, with a Mass and a meal, because many believe the soul leaves this world that day. Mourning clothes are often worn until the first anniversary, the babang luksa.

What to bring and what to say

• As a guest: flowers or a candle for an Orthodox memorial, food or a donation for a Muslim one, your presence for all of them.
• What to say: Memory eternal, to Orthodox families. May God have mercy on him, to Muslim families. And to everyone: I'm thinking of you. I remember him too.
• As family, for an Orthodox memorial: the boiled wheat, candles, bread, red wine, flowers, the names of departed family members for the priest, and a donation for the church. Ask your priest what is customary in your parish.

If you cannot be there

Ask your local church or mosque to remember the person on the same day, light a candle at home at the hour of the memorial, and call the family. If the family has a memorial page, the invitation to the memorial can be there, with a map to the cemetery, and anyone can light a candle and leave a message from wherever they are. Here is an example.