When a parent dies back home: a guide for families living abroad

The first call

In much of the world funerals happen quickly, often within one to three days, and Muslim and Jewish burials usually within a day. So the first question is whether you can arrive in time. Tell the family when you can be there. Many families will wait a day for the children, if they can.

If you cannot make it, say so honestly. Nobody who loves you will hold it against you, and there are ways to take part.

Getting there in time

• Passport. US citizens who must travel within two weeks because a parent, child, spouse, sibling or grandparent abroad has died or is dying can ask for an appointment for a life or death emergency at a passport agency, by calling 1-877-487-2778. Bring the death certificate or a statement from the funeral home, with an English translation, and proof of your travel.
• Your immigration status. If you have a green card, make sure it is valid. If your application is pending, if you have DACA, or if you are in the US on a visa, talk to an immigration lawyer before you leave. Leaving the country can end a pending application or make it hard to come back.
• Flights. Only a few airlines still offer bereavement fares, and with conditions. Ask, but compare with regular fares, which are often cheaper.
• Work. There is no federal law on bereavement leave, but most employers give a few days, some states require it, and many employers allow more for travel abroad. Tell your manager what happened. Most people will help.

What can be arranged from afar

• The funeral home in your home country can be called from abroad. It usually handles the papers, the cemetery, the clergy, the notices and the flowers.
• Money can be sent to the relative who is organizing things, or paid to the funeral home directly.
• The death notice can be written and sent by email. Its form differs from country to country, so ask the funeral home what is usual. See How to write an obituary.
• Flowers can be ordered through the funeral home or a local florist, with your name on the card or ribbon.
• Documents for later. Ask for several certified copies of the death certificate. To use one in the US, for an inheritance, an insurance claim or a pension, you may need an apostille from the issuing country and a certified translation.

When the death happens in the US and the family wants burial back home

Sending a body to another country is possible, but it takes time and money. A funeral home that handles international shipping prepares the body and the papers: the death certificate, an embalming certificate, a transit permit, and what the consulate of the destination country requires. It usually costs several thousand dollars and can take a week or more. Cremation is simpler and less expensive to transport, if it fits the family's faith. Call the consulate early. They know exactly what is needed.

If you cannot be at the funeral

• Ask for a livestream or a video call during the service, if the family agrees.
• Write a few words and ask someone to read them at the grave.
• Hold your own moment at the same hour, with a candle, a photo and the people close to you.
• Go to your local church, mosque or temple. Most will pray for or hold a service for someone who died far away.
• Leave a message on the memorial page, if the family has one.

The days of remembrance that follow

In many traditions the remembering continues after the funeral: the nine days of prayer in Mexican and Filipino families, the 40th day in Orthodox, many Muslim and Filipino families, the first anniversary in almost every culture. You may be able to travel for one of these instead of the funeral, and it often matters as much to the family. Read more in 40 days after death.

Grieving far from home

Grief abroad can be lonely. Coworkers may not know what happened, and the house where your parent lived is a flight away. A few things help:

• Tell the people around you. Most will want to help if they know.
• Keep in touch with your siblings and relatives back home, even with short messages.
• Keep something of theirs close: a recipe, a voice message, a photo.
• Plan the first anniversary and the first holidays in advance.

If the grief does not ease after some months, talk to your doctor, and know that help is close:

• In the United States and Canada, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time, free. In the US you can also text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line).
• In the United Kingdom and Ireland, Samaritans answer on 116 123. In Australia, Lifeline answers on 13 11 14.
• Many hospices offer free grief support to families for about a year, and your doctor can refer you to a grief counselor or a support group.
• If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 in the US and Canada, or 112 in Europe.

One place for the whole family

When a family lives in several countries, a memorial page brings it together: the funeral details and a map, messages and voice messages from everyone, in any language, candles on the anniversaries, and later photos, stories and recipes from every branch of the family. It stays forever. Here is an example.