In short
- A eulogy is a short speech about the person, usually three to five minutes, about 400 to 700 words.
- Say who you are, tell two or three stories that show who they were, and end by speaking to them or with words they loved.
- Print it in large type, read it aloud a few times before the day, and know that it is fine to pause or cry.
In this article
An example
A eulogy does not tell the whole life, the obituary does that. It shows who the person was, through a few stories. Here is a eulogy for a grandmother, about two minutes long:
Good morning. I'm Emily, Ruth's oldest granddaughter.
If you ever ate at Grandma Ruth's table, you know she measured love in second helpings. Nobody left her house hungry, and nobody left without leftovers and a hug that lasted a little too long.
She grew up with very little, and she never forgot it. She kept every rubber band and every birthday card, and she answered every letter she ever got. When I went away to college, a card from her arrived every Monday. Four years, and she never missed one.
She taught me to drive in her old Buick, in the church parking lot, and she only yelled once. She taught me that you can be strong and gentle at the same time. And she taught all of us that family is not only the people who share your blood, but the people who show up.
Grandma, thank you for showing up for every one of us. We'll keep showing up for each other. We love you, and we'll save you a seat at the table.
A simple structure
- Who you are. Your name and how you knew them. Not everyone in the room knows you.
- A few facts of their life, briefly: where they came from, their family, their work. The obituary has the details.
- Two or three stories or qualities. This is the heart of the eulogy. For every quality, tell one moment that shows it.
- What they leave behind: what they taught you, what you will carry on.
- The ending. Speak to them directly, use a saying they loved, read a short verse or a line from a song, or simply say thank you.
How long it should be
Three to five minutes is right for most services. Spoken calmly, that is about 400 to 700 words. If several people will speak, agree on two or three minutes each and on who tells which story, so the same memory is not told three times. Ask the funeral director or the officiant how much time you have.
How to start
The first sentence is the hardest. These openings work:
For those of you I haven't met, I'm Mark, Dad's youngest son, and the one who gave him most of his gray hair.
When we sat down as a family to talk about what to say today, every one of us started with the same word: generous.
My mother would be embarrassed by all this attention, so I'll keep it short, the way she liked her phone calls.
More examples
For a father
I'm Daniel, and Frank was my dad.
Dad was not a man of many words. He showed his love with his hands. He fixed our bikes, then our cars, then the leaking sinks in our first apartments. When my sister called him at midnight with a flat tire two hundred miles away, he did not ask why she was out so late. He asked where she was, and he got in the truck.
He worked at the plant for 34 years and almost never called in sick. But he never missed one of our games, either. He sat in the same spot in the bleachers, third row on the left, so we always knew where to look.
Dad, we always knew where to look. We still do. Thank you.
For a mother
My mom had one rule: you never leave the house without saying I love you. Even if you were angry. Even if you were late. Especially if you were late.
She was a nurse for 30 years, and she brought that calm into everything. She could take out a splinter, settle a fight between three kids and get dinner on the table, all at once, without raising her voice. In her last months, when she was the one who needed care, she still asked her nurses about their children.
Mom, I'm not leaving here without saying it. I love you. We all do.
For a friend
I met Sam in the fall of 1998. We were both new in town and too proud to admit we were lonely. He invited me over to watch a terrible football game, and somehow we watched every game together for the next 27 years.
Sam was the friend who remembered your kids' names, your dog's name, and the name of the doctor you were worried about. He was the first one at the hospital and the last one to leave the party.
He would hate to see us this sad. So after this, let's go somewhere loud, order something we shouldn't, and tell Sam stories until they close the place.
Tips for writing it
- Talk to the family first. Ask everyone for one story. You will find the thread that runs through them.
- Show, do not list. Instead of "he was patient," tell the story of the time he taught you to drive.
- Humor is welcome. A funny story often brings the most relief to a room full of grief.
- Leave out old family conflicts, private health details and anything that would hurt someone in the room.
- Write it the way you talk, in short sentences. It will be heard, not read.
- Faith or not. If they were religious, a verse or a prayer they loved fits well. If not, a poem or a line from a favorite song.
On the day
- Print it in large type, 14 to 16 points, double spaced, with page numbers. Or write it on numbered cards.
- Read it aloud two or three times before the day, and time it.
- Give a copy to someone you trust, who can finish it for you if you cannot.
- Have water and a tissue nearby.
- Speak slowly, and look up at the end of each paragraph.
- If you cry, stop, breathe, and continue when you are ready. Everyone in the room understands.
After the service, families are often asked for a copy of the eulogy. It is worth keeping. On a memorial page it can sit next to the photos, where the whole family can read it again, years later.
Frequently asked questions
How long should a eulogy be?
Usually three to five minutes, which is about 400 to 700 words spoken at a calm pace. If several people speak, two or three minutes each is enough.
Who gives the eulogy?
Usually a close family member or friend, sometimes more than one. A clergy member or celebrant may also speak, but the eulogy is the personal part.
What is the difference between a eulogy and an obituary?
An obituary is written and published to announce the death and give the facts of a life. A eulogy is spoken at the service and is about who the person was.
Is it okay to read the eulogy from paper?
Yes. Almost everyone reads it. Print it in large type and look up from time to time.
What if I cry during the eulogy?
Pause, breathe, and continue when you can. You can also ask someone to stand next to you and finish it if needed.
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